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Walking with grief. In memory of my husband and soulmate, Rich.

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Vulnerability as strength

On July 6, 2019 By Hayley2 Comments

Hands up if you're grieving profoundly and have had the following said to you: "you're so strong", "you're so brave", or "you're so resilient". Now put your hand up if anyone has said the following: "you're incredibly fragile right now, and you look it, but I wouldn't expect anything else", or "you be you, don't …

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Words that help

On June 9, 2019June 9, 2019 By HayleyLeave a comment

One of the grief tribe members asked me to write a blog about what to say to their profoundly grieving person. In my experience, explaining why certain things aren't helpful, rather than continuing to let people say unhelpful things, is a good thing, not least because those who genuinely care about your wellbeing will take …

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Pain

On May 14, 2019May 14, 2019 By Hayley1 Comment

Rich was constantly in pain from some of his NF2 tumours, especially the ones in his arms and legs. Often the pain was severe, and he'd have to go very quiet and just sit with the pain a little while, until it had eased off. He'd decided against taking pain killers because he knew he …

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Widow fishing

On April 20, 2019April 20, 2019 By HayleyLeave a comment

Every day, without fail, I have to block 'widow fishers' on Instagram. Sometimes it's just one or two, other times, like today for some reason, so far it's been more than five. If I'm 'lucky', they don't try and send me messages at the same time, but some do, and they go something like 'your …

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Soulmates

On April 18, 2019April 18, 2019 By HayleyLeave a comment

Rich was so much more than a husband. Many of you know that we considered ourselves soulmates from the moment we met, but from talking to others it seems that soulmate relationships are rare. Whilst Rich and I always knew that we had something special, this means that his death has had an impact that …

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Pain

On April 16, 2019April 16, 2019 By Hayley2 Comments

It's a myth, that profound grief diminishes. It's been eight months since Rich died, and I hurt, everywhere, just as much as I did the day that I had to walk out of the hospital a few hours after he'd died, knowing that I'd never get to hold him in person again. It still doesn't …

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Online support

On March 31, 2019March 31, 2019 By HayleyLeave a comment

Before Rich died, I'd tried to limit the amount of time I spent on social media. I'd deleted my Facebook account a few years ago, and all our holidays were digital detoxes. At most we'd whatsapp friends and family. After he died however, I knew instinctively that social media was going to help me, a …

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Books

On March 30, 2019March 30, 2019 By Hayley2 Comments

I'm a reader, always have been. Rich always used to gently tease me about the number of books I bought, and how the minute we'd started talking about the next place we wanted to visit together I'd bought every guide book on Amazon. But books are my thing, and although Rich needed to rest his …

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Brave

On March 28, 2019March 28, 2019 By HayleyLeave a comment

It's a word that I've heard a fair bit recently. That I'm "brave" for swimming in very cold water, or that I'm "brave" for walking in the mountains by myself. And each and every time it's said I want to respond "you don't understand", because I'm not doing these things to demonstrate courage, or fearlessness, …

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Treats

On March 17, 2019March 17, 2019 By HayleyLeave a comment

I noticed from the very beginning that when I display ‘positive’, ‘happy’, ‘ normal’ behaviour, I get rewarded by some people with treats - with compliments and words of encouragement designed to try and somehow show me that this devastation is an illusion. But when I display my grief and pain openly, those same people …

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Meet Finnouhla the Ficus, another member of my indoor plant family. Finn is a Ficus Benjamina, or what is commonly known as a weeping fig, and is the first plant pet I bought after Rich died. The garden was the only place I could venture out to for the first few weeks, the only outdoor space where I felt safe crying freely. I wasn't able to do much out there as I had so little strength thanks to only being able to eat a small bowl of porridge each day, but I could keep it ticking over. It was also part of my maintaining the physical connection with Rich as it's a space he loved too. But there were days when I could only face looking out the window at the garden, and so it was then I decided that I also needed to bring it indoors. We only had one plant at that point - the rubber plant we were given as a gift on our wedding day, so I slowly set about adding to the collection
Is this a forced smile? A little yes, and it certainly didn’t reach my eyes, but the more astute of you will already have realised that. It took a lot to drive out into the Cotswolds today as I'm very much in hour by hour mode, but I needed to do something to get the hope recirculating in my mind and body. A four mile walk from Snowshill certainly helped a little, but I'm not going to do that toxic positivity thing and say that it took away the pain etc, as it didn't. It just made it a little easier to carry it #griefwalks #youngwidow #grief #bereavement #wildgrief #grieftherapy #walkinguk #hiking #hikingadventures #hillwalking #thecotswolds
I'm reposting this as I'm struggling at the mo, really struggling. It was hard enough managing the profound grief of Rich's death even before all of the restrictions - but hugs and travel to remote wild places provided comfort and relief, helped me survive, and gave me a sense of purpose as I was able to help others who'd also experienced out of order bereavement, and all of the secondary losses that come with it. I drew this sand message on Shetland - a place Rich and I had been due to travel to 3 months after he died. In 2019 I took 'travel sized Rich' over there and fell in love with the place, meeting people who treated me like family, something which I lost with Rich's death. I don't think I'll get back there anytime soon, but it will happen. In the meantime the rebel hugs and local walks are keeping me alive. If you disapprove of me hugging people as a survival strategy, for me and them, kindly unfollow me, as we're on very different wavelengths
Meet Penelope. Penelope is the latest addition to my indoor plant family, and yes the others all have names too. As our access to the wilds proper has been severely curtailed, I'm bringing the wilds inside, and turning the house into a little botanical oasis. Penelope is a Prayer Plant, also sometimes known as a Fascinator plant or Maranta #grieftherapy #youngwidow #grief #bereavement #wildgrief #indoorplants #indoorgarden #gardeningtherapy
Today's addition to the poetry wall #cheltenhampoetrywall #youngwidow #grief #bereavement #grieftherapy #poetry #modernpoetry #contemporarypoetry #femalepoets #nikitagill
Today's long walk, to help manage the mind fuckery (and devastating socio-economic fuckery - no more beating about the bush), that is the government's latest on the restrictions. I've not been out to Bredon Hill since Rich died. It was one of our go-to places to avoid the crowds in the Cotswolds, and because I'd assumed that it would be busy during lockdown I hadn't considered revisiting it, but today it felt like I should be there, and I'm so glad I went. I didn't see many people but those I did were friendly, and off the main hill by the tower I had the place to myself. This is where Rich and I used to go foraging for wild garlic, where we had many a picnic, and where we once gave the last of our water to a fellow walker who was really suffering in the heat. I shall be returning soon for sure #griefwalks #youngwidow #grief #bereavement #wildgrief #grieftherapy #walkinguk #hiking #hikingadventures #hillwalking #thecotswolds
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