Hands up if you're grieving profoundly and have had the following said to you: "you're so strong", "you're so brave", or "you're so resilient". Now put your hand up if anyone has said the following: "you're incredibly fragile right now, and you look it, but I wouldn't expect anything else", or "you be you, don't …
Words that help
One of the grief tribe members asked me to write a blog about what to say to their profoundly grieving person. In my experience, explaining why certain things aren't helpful, rather than continuing to let people say unhelpful things, is a good thing, not least because those who genuinely care about your wellbeing will take …
Pain
Rich was constantly in pain from some of his NF2 tumours, especially the ones in his arms and legs. Often the pain was severe, and he'd have to go very quiet and just sit with the pain a little while, until it had eased off. He'd decided against taking pain killers because he knew he …
Widow fishing
Every day, without fail, I have to block 'widow fishers' on Instagram. Sometimes it's just one or two, other times, like today for some reason, so far it's been more than five. If I'm 'lucky', they don't try and send me messages at the same time, but some do, and they go something like 'your …
Soulmates
Rich was so much more than a husband. Many of you know that we considered ourselves soulmates from the moment we met, but from talking to others it seems that soulmate relationships are rare. Whilst Rich and I always knew that we had something special, this means that his death has had an impact that …
Pain
It's a myth, that profound grief diminishes. It's been eight months since Rich died, and I hurt, everywhere, just as much as I did the day that I had to walk out of the hospital a few hours after he'd died, knowing that I'd never get to hold him in person again. It still doesn't …
Online support
Before Rich died, I'd tried to limit the amount of time I spent on social media. I'd deleted my Facebook account a few years ago, and all our holidays were digital detoxes. At most we'd whatsapp friends and family. After he died however, I knew instinctively that social media was going to help me, a …
Books
I'm a reader, always have been. Rich always used to gently tease me about the number of books I bought, and how the minute we'd started talking about the next place we wanted to visit together I'd bought every guide book on Amazon. But books are my thing, and although Rich needed to rest his …
Brave
It's a word that I've heard a fair bit recently. That I'm "brave" for swimming in very cold water, or that I'm "brave" for walking in the mountains by myself. And each and every time it's said I want to respond "you don't understand", because I'm not doing these things to demonstrate courage, or fearlessness, …
Treats
I noticed from the very beginning that when I display ‘positive’, ‘happy’, ‘ normal’ behaviour, I get rewarded by some people with treats - with compliments and words of encouragement designed to try and somehow show me that this devastation is an illusion. But when I display my grief and pain openly, those same people …
